Creepy Robot in Bid to Replace DeLay Monday, Jan 9 2006

Majority Whip Roy Blunt

Two top Republicans announced today their bids for the position formerly held by majority leader Tom DeLay. Among them was Majority Whip Roy Blunt (MO). Blunt is a robot programmed with Adept Technologies Near-Human Emotion (NHE) prototype matrix.

The NHE matrix allows the android the ability to nearly replicate three or four human emotions. The result is a certain creepiness Adept spokespeople have referred to as “an inevitable deficiency in robotkind for application in fields such as health care, customer service or pleasure, but a striking advantage in the realm of politics.”

The announcement comes after Rep. Tom DeLay, who was indicted last fall on charges including money laundering, conspiracy, and being from Texas, said that he would not attempt to reclaim his position as majority leader.

Given Issac Asimov’s Three Laws of robotics, Blunt would not be allowed to do anything to harm any humans, a quality many believe makes him a more appropriate candidate.

“We need someone cold and unfeeling in Congress,” said supporter Claudia Macinstry, “Someone without any questionable ties. Someone wihtout friends. I don’t know, I voted for Gore.”

Armed with strong support and a winning smile, Blunt was quoted as saying, “I feel nothing.”

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President Bush Uses Spy Network to Find Out Underwear Colors Wednesday, Jan 4 2006

Amidst accusations that he unlawfully spied on American citizens, recent reports show that President Bush’s intent in spying may have been to uncover the color of underwear Americans wear on a day to day basis.

Our sources show that whle Bush’s spy network was ostensibly meant to discover terrorist activities, the true reason for the infringment upon the rights of citizens may have been more juvenile.

While other unreliable news sources have mistakenly cited the growing power of the executive branch as the cause of the Presiden’ts illicit information trafficking, we at the Basement Window feel it more likely that the President’s nationwide undie-peaking is caused by a continuining spiral into childishness.

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New York State Bans Drinking Sunday, Jan 1 2006

As approximately one million people watched the ball drop in New York City to mark the beginning of 2006, New York State lawmakers met in an emergency session to quietly ban drinking pretty much everywhere. This ban follows a similar law put into effect on 27 March 2003 disallowing smoking in restaurants and bars and restricting it to the outdoors and some living spaces.

Lawmakers cited the numerous parties they were not invited to as sufficient recourse to ban the consumption of alcohol in the few places it was still allowed.

“It was necessary to pass the law when it’s staunchest critics were away getting shitfaced,” spoke one state senator who agreed to comment on condition of anonymity, “We needed to ensure clear-headedness for the deliberations concerning the ban.”

Asked whether or not the senator felt this ban too closely echoed the early national Prohibition amendment, the lawmaker replied, “Alcohol will still be commercially available at local liquor stores and grocers, and people will be allowed to consume it within their own homes where they have the freedom to do anything they like except the things we say they can’t.”

Opponents of the law said today, “Go away, I’ve got a fucking headache.”

Problems Adjusting

Business owners statewide called the ban unfair, citing the destruction of their livelihoods as a direct infringement on their right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Jake Warhol, owner of the Choking Fowl Pub in Rochester, NY, made the following statement: “I’ll going to have to close down now. Nobody wants to go to a pub and just sit around. They can’t smoke, they can’t drink, they can’t have fun. If they wanted that, they’d become senators.”

Other business owners voiced their opposition by phoning, e-mailing, and shouting at whichever politician’s name appearred next on the list distributed by the New York State Association for the Appreciation of Alcohol, otherwise known as the NYSAAA.

NYSAAA has been in existence since 1903 when it was called the New York Wine & Spirits Club. It has since promoted the sale and free consumption of alcoholic beverages, and has vowed to fight the new ban.

Marie Hillsen, a spokesperson for the NYSAAA, was quoted at a recent press conference saying, “America must be free, and the American people must be free to drink.”

An Uncertain Future

Citing Prohibition laws and heated discussion, people on both sides of the issue have expressed concern for the future as the ban takes place. Oppenents are pushing for repealing the law while proponents opine the risks of drinking and second-hand drinking from the insides of well-secured buildings.

More moderate thinkers have called for sober judgment from both sides and a reduction of cheap puns.

The drinking ban affects bars, pubs, clubs, restaurants, bowling alleys, hotels, motels, inns, bistros, cafes, and reception halls of all kinds. Within the state legislature buidling, however, senators and lawmakers will still be allowed to carry and drink from their hip flasks.

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