It’s true, everybody has something to say about that show. I hardly watch it, and this week only because my mom had it on. I could mention a few things about the process which could be improved, what I think of the judges, or comment on what this might indicate about American society (Idol? At least they’re honest). No, I’ll set aside the rambling on the weight that should be given talent versus looks versus charisma. I’ll forego a critique on the narrowness of musical genres recognized as acceptable (I’ve been told a very talented country singer named Josh was hardly allowed to sing any country music). Will I talk about the dehumanization of perfectly talented individuals that takes place when they are nearly reduced to numbers to be voted for? No, I believe my alternate title for this post says it all (barring my following comments). That title is this: Ryan Seacrest should be taken out back and shot.*

Nobody likes Simon Cowell because he’s mean. Nobody likes Randy Jackson because his vocabulary fails to extend beyond “girl” and “dawg” (for their respective genders). Nobody likes Paula Abdul because, wait, hold on. Nobody who remembers the 80′s and 90′s likes Paula Abdul because none of us imagined that pop music (which was already mostly bad in that time period) could really get much worse. Thank you, Paula, for surprising us and delighting us with your insightful comments to the contestants, such as, “I agree with Randy. It just wasn’t you. Not a good song selection,” and, well, that’s it. Everybody has a reason they don’t like certain contestants. I dislike, with the fire of a thousand suns,** the host of the program.

To be fair, he’s probably a puppet; a figurehead for a body of unseen writers, producers, and directors, if you will. I do not care. He is the one on stage, with the microphone. He is the one who will likely never read this lucid and sardonic (not to mention insightful and oh, so witty) analysis of his questionable hosting techniques. But that’s enough being fair — now is the time to make dear Ryan look like a horrible human being.***

Does anyone ever notice his patronizing comments after the judges’ critique? It doesn’t help that he follows the blunt and sometimes (okay, most times) insensitive Simon, but does anyone really need to be treated so contemptuously on national television? Simon may well be insensitive; Ryan is insincere.

Furthermore, just tonight, I watched four contestants lose their places on the show. How did it happen? I realize America voted (not that I particularly trust that method), but is it really necessary to pause in between the words “did” and “not,” as if adding some heightened suspense that the show lacked and ultimately needed? I mean, I realize it’s teenagers, but it doesn’t mean it has to turn into a low-grade Scream rip-off. That movie was horrendous enough, I don’t need some TV host trying to pull those lousy tricks in order to gain some superficial emotional response from the viewers. What’s worse is what happens to the contestants. It’s nerve-wracking to sing in front of a few people. It’s worse if you’re in front of somebody mean. It’s excrutiating on national television. Nobody needs to be tortured like that. What’s next? Some lame-ass words of comfort from Ryan “I got through enough schooling to read the cards and the teleprompter” Seacrest, sing the song that lost you the competition, and get off the stage. None of those contestants need, or deserve, to have that extra stress and humiliation on them.

It doesn’t end there, oh no. Ryan consistently talks the audience through various processes, such as voting using a mobile phone, or knowing when to vote. Thanks, I like to be talked to in such a condescending manner. It makes me warm and spiteful inside. I’ll grant that the bulk of television viewers are about three joints away from being a drooling potato, but do we need to be told before every commercial break (I think there were only seven hundred tonight instead of the regular thousand) that we won’t be able to cast our votes until the end, when “[Ryan] tells us we can.” I think that guy’s on some whacked out power trip. You want a trip, man, smoke some weed. At least you won’t appear as such a jerk.

The conclusion:**** Ryan Seacrest is a horrible human being.***** Unfortunately, the way America works, the appropriate job for him is, well, cheesy reality-television host. I guess we’ll be stuck with him for a while. Me, I’m going to turn off the idiot box and have a beer.

*Read Joseph Heller’s Catch-22 if you truly want to understand this joke. For those of you too lazy to do so, I’m not going to explain it. Suffice it to say, I don’t condone actually taking anybody out back and shooting them.

**That is the technical terminology used for the degree of dislike that is exactly one degree below hating someone, because, as we all know, “hate” is such a strong word. I don’t necessarily think so, but I wanted to write an unrelated and inaccurate footnote. Looks like I win this game. Also, thanks to Heather Potolsky for introducing into my vocabulary the phrase “fire of a thousand suns.”

***The phrase “horrible human being” brought to you courtesy of Brian D’Angelo. Thank you, Brian, for your contribution. I also feel it necessary to mention Brian’s girlfriend Morgan, not because she had any input, but because Brian will mention her if I don’t. He’ll probably mention her anyway. Rock on, Brian and Morgan.

****I learned in high school that you should put some form (or a synonym of) the word “conclusion” in the beginning of your last paragraph. I don’t know if it’s really necessary, but I also went to high school in New York State and passed all my Regents examinations. Don’t lecture me about necessity.

*****Please see footnote ***.